Selling the City of Utica for Whatever You’re Willing to Pay

Here’s the first few lines from our wiki entry:

“Utica is a city in the Mohawk Valley and the county seat of Oneida County, New York, United States. The tenth-most-populous city in New York, its population was 62,235 in the 2010 U.S. census. Located on the Mohawk River at the foot of the Adirondack Mountains, Utica is approximately 90 miles (145 km) northwest of Albany and 45 miles (72 km) east of Syracuse. Although Utica and the neighboring city of Rome have their own metropolitan area, both cities are also represented and influenced by the commercial, educational and cultural characteristics of the Capital District and Syracuse metropolitan areas”.

Sounds freaking awesome, right?

With this city you’ll have access to our old ass, yet historic and beautiful Stanley theater, cirque 1928. We have our own Broadway, YO!

We have Rainbow, the city’s favorite musician. Who needs Spotify when you have the acoustic magic that he provides. PAY ATTENTION TO HIS MAGIC!

Our colleges are top knotch! We’re so liberal, that we don’t even practice math (screw you math) and that’s why 0000.5% of the school’s student population gets to pretend speak for the entire community. IT’S CALLED THE MOVEMENT GUYS!

Lastly, we have a downtown that promises to always be in construction and offering detours when you need them the most. 10+ years of tearing up roads and you can’t tell the difference? That’s okay! Neither can anyone else.